8/17/24

You can tell which of the plants in the yard are my mom's because she puts eggshells on them. I found my diary from when I was addicted to drugs and it is very sad to see myself like that. but also very funny and juvenile to relive falling in love with Hajo through frantic scribbles and word vom. I saved the parking slip from our first date together and the crumpled flower a homeless man downtown gave to me. i hate seasonally-themed flavored coffee but made some in the french press today. hajo loves it. i love hajo. the way the maple coffee smells reminds me of when we first started dating. 

 8/16/24

i want to have my own things too. i want to have decisions

 8/16/24

this girl came in and was just like a smaller and younger version of my aunt carla. she ordered an avocado smoothie zero sugar and requested that i added taro to it (weird ask but i did it anyway because why would i say no). im really selfish but sometimes i feel like i need to ask for more things. dinner with my mom tonight, will bring her the hair products and treats i brought from japan. applied to nova, wrote a cover letter and everything. i cried driving to work today, im not particularly sad or anything but i just felt emotional. i filled a nitrile glove full of hot water, tied the end and held it like i was holding a hand. it leaked everywhere and i stabbed it with the fruit knife over the sink. all the cautionary lights are on in my car, including but not limited to the tire pressure, engine, stop light, and change oil. i need to go somewhere where i dont need my car. i feel so pretty today.

 8/14/24

driving to work was bad today because public schools are back from summer. i think i'll have to start leaving my house five minutes earlier to adjust to the worsened commute. i want to leave the country soon for a long time. i;ll sell a lot of my things and lighten my load; i feel like i have way too many things for an adult to have. i think i have to get married to hajo so we can be paired off to the same region, if we do any tefl jobs. i dont need any belongings except for hajo, monkey, my muji shoes, and laptop. last night i had a sweet cocktail and finished off a j. wanted to watch i saw the tv glow so i rented it on prime video, only later to realize i was too high to understand what they were saying in the video. i need to finish the movie tonight, though. i'm very bad with money recently. paying rent, paying for gas, paying for monkey's heartworm flea and tick, paying for food and treats, alcohol, makeup, perfume, credit card bills, water and electricity. i brought my laptop to work, hoping that it would be quiet for the most part. there's a couple of people in right now, talking about how big their houses are and their parents' fish. i bleached the walls by the sink at work because they were stained really bad by tea and coffee backsplash. i had a dream that the water tank at work fell over.

 8/13/24

yesterday i fell in downtown tampa, scuffed my knee and twisted my ankle. i was daydreaming of all the things i could do that day, all the chores i could get done. i ended up not doing anything after falling, except for going to red white and blue thrift store. hajo went to the gym and i was in bed icing my ankle when i decided i needed to go out before my ankle got even more puffy and inflamed and painful. when i was driving, i took a wrong turn and ended up in the wrong direction. it was annoying to make one small mistake and end up exiting towards the other side of where i needed to be. after screaming in my car, i proceeded to wherever i was and then immediately realized that i was on the street my paternal grandfather used to live on. i passed the 7-11 my dad had stopped at a million times and drove down the street i hadn't been to since my grandfather died. i was really overwhelmed, i cried and looked around for anything familiar. the road and architecture had changed so much in 5 years. everything felt polished and renewed, more expensive and uppity than it used to be. i'm sure if my grandfather were alive, he would have a lot to say about how this place had changed. there was a small part of me that hoped that this was a sign that my grandfather was leading me back to where i had grown up, but alternatively i took the wrong turn as a nuisance and detriment of time. i bought a mens button-up and mens jacket from the store. i wanted to buy this japanese white dress i saw hung up on the rack but was scared that it wouldn;t fit my boobs. i think it's criminal for a store to be cash-only AND not have any fitting rooms. i went to total wine and bought soju and vanilla vodka.  i need to grow up and start drinking more sophisticated drinks.